come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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