I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
