At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i think i just lost a toe
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
