My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
