I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
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My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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