Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
