i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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