the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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