I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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