Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
