mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
