i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
