so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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