need another drink. this is the easiest way
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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