there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
