watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You dont lie about slip and slides
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
