hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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