sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
