dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
