Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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