How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
