Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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