I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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