Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
