I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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