just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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