I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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