i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
