i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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