The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
