Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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