shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
