The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
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AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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