The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It was confusing and full of hummus
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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