If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
