Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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