The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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