I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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