How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
