I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
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I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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