If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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