Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
