she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
