i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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