That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
