I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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