She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
