He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
