you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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