Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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