I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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