I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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