This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
