Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
