The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
