My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
