Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My boob is missing a layer of skin
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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